Supporting Next of Kin

When a family member or a close friend has lost their loved one, it can be hard to know how best to support them as they go through this difficult time. How you express your love can be very different and unique to your relationship. There is no wrong way to support them, as long as it is coming from a place of love.

Supporting a grieving friend

Simply start by letting them know you are there for them. You could offer practical support, such as helping with household chores or running simple errands or could just sit and listen for as long as they need to allow them to express their feelings without judgement or interruption. It’s important to check in with them regularly as grief can be a long and difficult process. Above all, be patient and understanding, and let your loved one know that they are not alone.

Here are some practical ways you could help during this difficult time:

• Drive the next of kin and let them relax as much as possible.
• Keep children occupied.
• Cook a meal or two.
• Help around the house – don’t ask, just pitch in.
• Don’t be afraid to ask others for help and give tasks to others who want to help.
• Pick up relatives from the airport.
• Continue support after the funeral. When everyone that visited for the service goes back to their “normal” lives, it can be a very tough time for the next of kin. Make sure you keep in touch and spend some quality time together. You could drop off some chocolates, or even just send a message letting them know that you’re thinking of them.

How to help plan a funeral

The person closest to the person who has passed away might want to be part of every single detail of the funeral planning process if it helps to ease their grief. Alternatively, they might find this experience too overwhelming and want to take a step back.

This can provide an opportunity for you to be able to help in a more practical way, by taking care of making smaller decisions and running errands to prepare for the service, while keeping the next of kin in the loop and in charge of making the big decisions.

Here are some ideas on how you could help with planning:

Tips on offering condolences

A few words to the effect of “I’m so sorry for your loss,” or “My thoughts are with you during this difficult time” can really help to show your love and support, and if it’s appropriate, a hug can also speak more than words. Keep your words brief and to the point. Loved ones might already be overwhelmed with grief and listening might not be their priority at the moment. Listen to what they say, if they say anything, but avoid speaking yourself for too long.

Here are some more tips to keep in mind when offering your condolences:

Share a memory or story

Sharing a memory or story about the deceased can be a comforting way to celebrate their life and create an uplifting atmosphere. Choose a memory that highlights their positive qualities, such as their sense of humour, kindness or generosity.

Offer help

If you’re close to family and friends of the person who has died, you might want to offer your help in a practical way. You could say something like, “If you need anything, please don’t hesitate to ask,” or “I’m here for you if you need someone to talk to.” Someone who is experiencing loss might avoid asking for help as they don’t want to burden anyone, so reach out.

Be respectful and consider cultural differences

It is important to be respectful and mindful of the occasion when speaking at a funeral. Avoid making jokes or speaking in a lighthearted way, as this can be seen as disrespectful. Instead, speak in a calm and measured tone, and avoid bringing up any contentious topics.

New Zealand Aotearoa is a diverse country and so it’s important to be aware of cultural differences throughout the funeral. Some cultures might have specific customs or rituals that will need to be observed. It’s important to respect these traditions.