Remembering Lost Loved Ones This Christmas

While this time of year usually involves families and friends spending time together, it can be a difficult and confronting reminder of those no longer with us. Finding a way to remember lost loved ones during the holiday season can create space to remember, reflect and even bring joy, as you mourn their loss.

In this article we share personal stories from New Zealanders on how they honour the memories of their lost loved ones. We’ll explore how people have created new traditions in the face of loss and how you might be able to find comfort while you navigate this Christmas without your someone special. 

Creating New Traditions – Alice

At our family Christmases growing up, my Granddad always made rum butter and Christmas pudding. As a kid, I preferred chocolate to his Christmas pudding, and I wasn’t allowed the rum butter. But then I grew older and so did my grandparents, and it became too hard for them to travel up for Christmas, and I never tasted his rum butter. 

On the first Christmas after he passed away, I gave my mum a dessert cookbook. Mum flicked through it and got excited to see a recipe for rum baba – it had been Grandad’s favourite dessert of all time. Mum decided making rum baba on Boxing Day was the perfect way to christen her cookbook and celebrate Grandad’s memory. It’s become a yearly tradition to make it on Boxing Day. While we eat it, there’s always a story that comes up with something we remember about Grandad. 

Connecting With Family – Monique

Every year my in-laws used to make a calendar for all of their children and grandchildren. They would put in photos of times from the previous year, usually photos of them with their children and grandchildren, and sometimes sweet photos of them together on one of their trips around New Zealand. They loved travelling together.

Last year, after my father-in-law passed, I knew my grieving mother-in-law wouldn’t manage it. Last year’s family pictures were mostly from around the time of the funeral, so I took on the task. I made a calendar featuring the grandkids with their grandad over the years.

Putting this together was fun and I got to connect with all of the family during the year while I gathered photos. Sometimes you can go a long time without talking to family, especially when you live in different cities. I think I’ll do something similar next year.

Reflecting on Memories – Brent

My dad wasn’t religious, but if anyone asked, he would always say the beach was his church. When I was growing up, if he said he was going to church, we all knew he was going for a walk on the beach or a swim. He passed away a long time ago. I walk on the beach to remember him and think about him. On Christmas Day I like going for a stroll on the beach after lunch to have a quiet moment for myself and think about him. 

Honouring the memory of someone you love is deeply personal, and everyone will find different and unique ways of doing this. It can be a valuable part of Christmas traditions. By reflecting on memories, creating new traditions, connecting with others and sharing legacies, we hope you can find some peace. 

For additional support and resources for facing the holiday season without a loved one, please explore the Go With Grace website. Go With Grace is dedicated to providing guidance, support and resources for Kiwis facing death and dying.