Having the ‘End of Life’ Chat with Your Parents

Vaughan and his mum have had several death talks. Hayley and Fletch decided they needed to do the same. It was a casual conversation that lasted less than a minute on air yet it showed that talking about death and dying with our parents doesn’t have to be a negative experience.

The Go With Grace team spoke about the show on and off all day and questions were fired around the office. Most importantly, we wanted to know how can Go With Grace encourage more New Zealanders to have this conversation with their parents?

Why we need to talk about death

Death is a subject that many of us in NZ put off. It’s uncomfortable. It can hurt. We don’t want to offend anyone. Many of us have trauma around the death of a loved one, and others simply just don’t want to think about it.

When we put off talking about death and dying, we do not make it any easier for ourselves when the time finally comes when we are faced with death and have no idea what to do next.

Hearing death being spoken about in such an open and honest way on air on one of New Zealand’s most popular radio stations was refreshing. After all, Go With Grace was established partly to facilitate open conversations about death and dying.

When we can talk about death and dying more openly, we can find support more easily. We can ensure expectations or wants are clearly defined by our loved ones before they are unable to do so, and we can help avoid potential confusion or doubt down the track.

What is a Death Chat?

Our parents are older than us. This seems so obvious – yet many of us forget how old our parents are.

Now it is time for us to give back to them. And for us to support them, we need to know what they want.

A death chat could look very different depending on your family. What you will want to talk about and how you can approach the conversation will depend on a huge number of factors, including the health of your parents.

For those facing a terminal illness diagnosis, encouraging them to talk about the prospect of dying is important. Hospice New Zealand has a great online resource encouraging people to talk openly about dying.

Healthify He Puna Waiora also encourage those with terminal illnesses to communicate openly to help you not feel isolated or alone, and to let others know how they can support you.

An important thing to talk about is what you all can do together to ensure their wishes can be followed in their absence.

When Should a Death Talk Happen?

This doesn’t have to be, nor should it be, a one-off conversation.

People’s preferences, their needs, their beliefs, and their priorities change over time. What your parents might have wanted ten years ago may not look the same today.

There is nothing wrong with communicating clearly with your parents often and checking their expectations after significant life changes. For example, if they become unwell, they might decide living at their own home for as long as possible is not a priority anymore, and they would prefer to receive more support within a care facility.

Overcoming our reluctance to talk about aging and death can be healthy and positive. It will help you to feel connected, help your parents to feel understood, and it will help to ensure your loved one’s wishes are met.