Remembering a Loved One
When a loved one passes away, finding ways to honour their memory and keep their spirit alive can become deeply important.
People choose to remember in ways that feel personal and meaningful to them. This may include visiting special places of remembrance, creating rituals that reflect cultural or family traditions, or establishing bequests and legacy gifts that support causes close to their heart.
Celebrating anniversaries
The anniversary of the loss of a loved one can bring up all kinds of emotions. It might even feel like a time warp, becoming aware that another year has passed. Some people choose to take time on these anniversaries to remember and honour those they’ve lost. Others might not want to acknowledge a painful date. Whatever you feel, be kind to yourself, it can be surprising what comes up.
As time goes on, the way you choose to spend the anniversary of a loss might change. What feels right the first year might not be what you want five years later. In some cultures, the custom for acknowledging the first anniversary is an unveiling, where mourners and family gather at the grave site and the grave marker is formally dedicated.
If you’re supporting someone who’s lost a special person, anniversaries are a good time to check in and see if they’d like some company. Maybe they’d like to talk about it and share some memories together, or maybe they’d simply like a distraction. Let them express themselves and try to be there for them, however they need you to be. It’s okay to ask about it and okay to talk about it.
The date someone died might not feel like the right date to stop and acknowledge them. For some, they’d rather remember a date without such an emotional load, or one with happier memories attached such as their birthday. There’s no right way to remember someone and no right way to grieve.
Shrines & special places of remembrance
A shrine or a special place of remembrance can provide you, friends or family, a safe place for grieving and honouring the memory of a lost loved one.
Memorial benches and trees
Some people want to remember their loved one away from the environment of a cemetery. Memorial seats and trees can be donated to local parks with a plaque in memory of the deceased. Get in touch with your local council to find out what their processes are.
Shrines
If you have an urn and want somewhere special for it, or simply want a place to keep photos and special mementos at home, you might like to create a shrine. This could also be a place to light candles or incense, or even place your loved ones favourite treats in. In some cultures it’s normal to have a family shrine, with photos of ancestors on display as a way to honour their memory.
Other ideas
If your loved one was involved in a hobby or sport, consider donating a trophy or equipment in their honour.
other ways to remember a loved one
Creating memorial books or photo books can be a meaningful way to honour a loved one and the life they lived. The process itself can be healing, offering time to talk with family and share memories together. Invite friends and whānau to contribute photos, mementos, and stories. Some people also choose to write poetry, draw or paint, or create playlists of much-loved songs, allowing creativity and music to become part of remembering and celebrating their loved one.
Cultural Perspective
An unveiling ceremony
An unveiling ceremony is when friends, family and mourners gather at the gravesite to formally dedicate the grave marker. An unveiling can be a time for people to get together and grieve, remember their loved one, pray, or reflect.
In some cultures, this is traditionally done as a way to acknowledge the first anniversary of a death, but there’s no set date that an unveiling ceremony must be held on. It might be best to pick a date when family and friends will be able to attend, as gathering together is part of the purpose of an unveiling.
Give yourself time to schedule an officiant, book with the cemetery, invite friends and family and make the arrangements for the headstone or gravemarker. The ceremony itself is usually short. It might involve reading a poem, or religious passages, singing songs or hymns, and giving speeches. It’s also common to leave flowers, or small mementos on the grave site once the grave marker has been dedicated.
Rituals to remember a loved one
Hosting a holiday gathering can be an opportunity to honour your loved one by weaving their memory into your Christmas traditions.
You might include meaningful gestures such as:
Serving their favourite food and drink
Wearing their favourite colour
Meeting at a place they loved
If your family is spread across different parts of the world, consider uniting in shared rituals – you could all cook the same special recipe, watch their favourite movie, or light a candle at the same time before connecting online for a family catch-up. These simple yet heartfelt actions keep their memory alive and bring a sense of togetherness, no matter the distance.
create a lasting legacy for your loved one
If your loved one had a passion for a sport, hobby or community club, commemorate their memory by donating a trophy, prize or equipment in their honour. Supporting their favourite team or club is another great way to honour a loved one. You could even talk to their local sporting club about planning a tribute game or an annual tournament in their name. Giving back to a cause that was close to your loved one’s heart is a powerful way to honour their memory. Consider volunteering as a family for a charity they supported or organising an annual fundraising event in their name.
